


[redacted] must date!

by lilacavenue



Category: South Park
Genre: ...maybe, Crack and Angst, F/M, M/M, Multi, Timeline Fuckery, Unrequited Love, its a soulmate au thats all im saying, lapslock, or is it dundundunnn, warning!!: bit incomplete but theres an beginning and ending, wrote this a while back so even idk really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-17
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 13:02:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29510112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilacavenue/pseuds/lilacavenue
Summary: god, of course if he had to be trapped in a video game loop, it had a be some kind of fucking dating simulator with his best friend/maybe crush as the protagonist whose milkshake brings all the girls (and boys!) to the yard. there had to be a way out of this personal hell, right?
Relationships: Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Stan Marsh/Wendy Testaburger, also kyle broflovski/???, staig and stenny minor, stan marsh/everyone lowkey if im being honest
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	[redacted] must date!

[game start]! character select? ….accepted. 

the day starts off normal enough, with the four of them meeting up at the bus stop. cartman cycles up with some pubic hair, of all things. after a basic biology lesson he runs off to confront some eighth grader, theatrically declaring something about revenge. 

kyle rolls his eyes as he leaves. “why do we let him hang out with us again?”

kenny mumbles something about friendship, stan nods. “he’s too much of a dumbass to actually cause harm to anyone, anyway. maybe he’ll learn something this time.”

kyle’s about to argue, accuse stan and kenny of being too compliant, borderline tolerant of cartman’s “stupidity.” the fatass would only escalate from here, get even shittier somehow; eventually fucking over somebody, usually at least one of them, probably kyle, and in the end, learn nothing from the endeavor. rinse and repeat. but stan sends him a glance communicating, dude, please don’t get all righteous like your mom does. and he looks exhausted, maybe randy got extra drunk last night. so kyle shuts up.

the threesome lingers by the bus stop, a large vacant spot where their fourth friend would usually be. it’s quiet, but in a way, it’s peaceful. for once, he doesn’t have to deal with some racist remark or some casual bigotry or some stupid scheme ― cartman’s out on his own today, and kyle might as well make the most out of this time before the chaos starts up again. so he opens his mouth, about to propose a sleepover/video game night...

when a beautiful wendy testaburger skips up to occupy their fourth slot, and stan vomits all over her. typical, if not gross. kyle resists the urge to roll his eyes for the second time, tunes out her disgusted squeals and his frantic apologies. i mean, shouldn’t they expect that to happen by now? they don’t break up, but even kyle can sense they’re on some shaky ground. hopefully they don’t break up anytime soon, stan’s a pussy and kyle cringes just imagining how his best friend will react to being cut off completely. he swears to himself that he will never be that whipped for someone in his life, no matter how cool of a girl she was.

after she leaves, the rest that follows seems regular enough: cartman being fooled by the witty ninth grader again and again, his coming up with some stupid plan involving...radiohead?, kenny dying, stan and kyle betraying cartman because dude, he fucking sucks, and a climax at the chili festival. cut, we can move on with our lives now. 

but then scott tenorman eats his parents, and stan marsh, distraught over his own mortality, confesses to wendy in a cliche nonsensical “you only live once, i don’t want to waste time being ‘off and on’ when you’re the only one actually important to me speech”, embracing his inner romantic hero kinda thing. roses and beatbox included. wendy is, by some miracle, into it, swoons into his arms. it’s their first proper kiss, since kyle is the only one resisting the urge to vomit. sick. 

[continue]? ...accepted.

…

he blinks, and they’re in high school. partying like it’s the last night of their lives, which predictably ending up being for kenny, who drowned in the swimming pool a couple hours ago. now, kyle is wearily eying stan downing shot after shot, because of course he’s a wannabe alcoholic, and of course they’re still best friends so it’s his responsibility to listen to him bitch and moan about his crush. 

“dude, i’m just so fucking nervous. she’s …” stan trails off, burying his face in his hat. 

“been your girlfriend since elementary school? and you’re going to miss the countdown if you keep pussying out.” kyle pulls his latest glass away and downs it himself, choking only slightly. not that he particularly wanted to drink, he just wanted to save wendy from some projectile drunk-boy vomit. 

fishing for a breath mint, he finds a convenient one in a kitchen drawer, and tosses it to stan, who fumbles at it, confused. “shit, what time is it?” 

two minutes remain, but there’s no reason to panic. “time for you to get the new year’s kiss of your life.” he nudges stan’s mouth open, pops the mint in for him, and pushes him towards the girl of his dreams. “oh, and score a prom date.”

there’s no thanks, stan’s probably too wasted for that, but he turns back and looks at him, that familiar glance he’s reserved for kyle since elementary school, and it takes kyle’s breath away, how easily he can interpret his friend’s emotions. a minute later, he pecks some girl’s lips but traitorously imagines those softened blue eyes.

[continue] ...accepted.

....

kyle blinks and misses it. the condom hits him square in the nose, and stan cackles. 

“the fuck was that for?” blushing, he dips down to pick it up even though no else is around to notice, cartman and kenny already off to pick up their dates. but he and bebe are carpooling with stan and wendy.

“safe sex is important,” stan admonishes. “i’m not ready to be a godfather.”

“shut up, dude.” he moves to get up. “we’re not going to … come on, we should go.”

stan pulls him back to the sofa. “but everyone does it tonight. it’s like, a thing. right?”

“i want to, uh, wait.” kyle regrets it the second the words slip out, but stan stares and he feels compelled to continue, his blush returning with full force. “not for marriage, but like. for someone i love, someone i care about…” someone more like my best friend, he doesn’t say, immediately embarrassed. kyle sighs. “permission granted to call me a gaywad.”

it’s supposed to be a joke, but stan goes quiet. mouth dry, kyle takes a gentle sip from the flask in stan’s pocket before finishing. “you know, like what you and wendy have, dude. you two are meant to be, i know it. ” 

stan remains quiet, as if stuck on a certain thought. he’s about say something but kyle throws the condom into his eye. “hey, wake up. i don’t want to be a godfather either, dude. we can watch the movie instead.” 

it works. stan bursts into laughter and wins prom king that night. needless to say, when kyle watches stan marsh and his perfect match, wendy testaburger, find themselves a room, slightly tipsy but very ready, it feels like happily ever after. although he has to roll his eyes at how predictable this outcome was, however cute it was. he imagines their children, sweet and smart and with stark black hair, and sighs. hopefully they take after their mother, if he had to deal with another nihilist elementary schooler…

[wendy ending unlock] [play again]? ...accepted.

…

[game start] character select? ...are you sure you would like to replay? ...accepted.

the day starts off normal enough, even though kenny and cartman are both missing when they approach the bus stop. soon enough, cartman cycles up with some pubic hair, of all things. after a basic biology lesson he runs off to confront some eighth grader, theatrically declaring something about revenge. 

kyle chews his lip as he leaves. “why do we let him ― hey, wait. didn’t this...already happen? like, i’m pretty sure scott tenorman...” his hands clap over his own mouth, and, suddenly, his lips glue themselves shut. kyle tries again, but the words refuse to come out no matter how much he struggles. stan raises an eyebrow.

“fuck, never mind.” there had to be some kind of explanation for this, kyle decides. maybe just a oddly specific sort of deja vu, or he had a super vivid dream last night? besides, last time, kenny was here too, so it’s not like every detail was the same. well, might as well let things play out for now and then maybe do some research later. for now, he opens his mouth, about to propose a sleepover/video game night…

when an utterly adorable version of kenny mccormick dashes up, sans a certain orange parka his golden hair is messier than usual, and he’s slightly out of breath, flushed from the cold and exercise. his breath comes out in puffs as he chatters, “shit, i beat cartman? noice.”

this is new too, kyle thinks absentmindedly, but it wasn’t that atypical. considering that it was kenny, he wasn’t surprised by his sporadic appearances. the kid was weird. “no, he already left. where’s the…” he gestures as the boy’s lack of familiar clothing.

“ehh, i gave it to my sister. she lost her coat, and we were wasting a lotta time lookin for it, yknow.” he seems ashamed, it was rare to hear him so vulnerable. kyle winces, sympathetic. “least cartman isn’t gonna give me shit for it, huh?”

“oh my god, you have to hear what the fatass…” kyle starts to recall the pubic hair story, kenny’s sunny giggles ringing out clearly without the parka to muffle them. “it was fucking hilarious, stan can ...uhh, stan? you okay?

stan’s spaced out, quiet. his face is a little red, though kyle can’t fathom why. jokingly, kenny takes his temperature, ignoring the way his friend flinches from his touch. “wait. you do feel a little warm ―”

stan interrupts him, his skin paling from red to green, his words hurried and flustered. “yeah, i’m like, burning up. it, uh, must be this jacket.” as he talks, his nervous energy explodes into sudden motion, his coat shoved off and tossed onto kenny’s shoulders. and without hesitation, he plops his own hat onto to kenny’s head, the other boy too startled to stop him. “so, hey, you can wear it for now, i guess.”

the clothes are cozy and warm, likely from stan’s body heat, and its probably the nicest clothing kenny’s ever worn. instinctively, he tightens the soft coat around his shoulders. “thanks, man.”

stan smiles nervously, backs away as the bus pulls in. “get on the bus before you die of frostbite, ken.” kenny, to kyle’s surprise, nods, and obeys, leaving the pair of best friends in the snow. through the bus window, kyle watches him fidget with stan’s hat.

twitchy, kyle spins to face his friend, ready to confront him about how fucking weird this all is, like what the fuck was that? but stan vomits all over him, and all kyle thinks is, oh. that happened.

later that week, scott tenorman eats his parents, but stan marsh isn’t there. he’s at a graveyard, placing sunflowers by a stone, leaning over to trace the inscription and desperately trying not to cry, for some reason. kyle finds him a couple hours later, slumped asleep over this grave, his hat fixed mysteriously back in place. but as kyle leans in to examine him, there’s something different: a strange pink mark near his lips.

[continue]? ...are you sure? ...welcome back.

...

[game start] character select? ...select scene? ...accepted.

kyle blinks tears back, the whiskey burning his throat. they were playing truth or dare or drink, and kyle’s feels weird and his memory blurs because this seems similar, but it doesn’t at the same time. there’s two things that are clear: one, stan marsh is an alcoholic, so it’s strange that his kyle is one chugging alcohol at the moment, and two, stan marsh is his best friend, so he is obligated to hear him bitch and moan about craig tucker and how fucking annoying he was without rolling his eyes. 

the clunk of the bottle clears his head a little. they’re playing truth or dare or drink, and cartman, because of course he knows just how to make him suffer, had just asked if kyle was in love, and he genuinely doesn’t know so he drank on instinct. don’t think about that smile and those eyes, dammit. 

stan raises an eyebrow, suspicious. ugh, he doesn’t want to be interrogated right now, so he avoids those familiar blue eyes. but the rush of whiskey makes him feel brave, in another, slightly more mischievous way. “tucker. truth or dare.”

“dare, obviously.” craig is relaxed, hand weaved through tweak’s blonde locks. him and tweek had prevailed as a friendship throughout their school years, much to everyone’s surprise. there’s some whisper of a rumor that they’re secretly pining for each other, and kyle figures he’ll be cute and play matchmaker.

well, this would either prove or disprove the rumor. “kiss the hottest boy here.”

craig shrugs, smirks a little. he takes his hand out of tweak’s hair, so that was a no go. kyle surveys the rest of his options. kenny, who had very much grown into his looks and was probably down for anything with a pulse, had drowned in the swimming pool earlier, so. awkward. butters was more cute than hot, for sure. clyde, token, and jimmy were his closest friends, which could potentially turn out interesting. of course, there’s him and cartman, and when craig’s gaze stops on kyle, his heart skips a beat. he’d always had a thing for black hair. but then it immediately flickers to cartman, and he turns away. weird, but not unexpected. 

personally, kyle finds the stan the most attractive, and he’s sure the majority of the school wouldn’t argue with that. but he and craig had this weird rivalry thing going on since...elementary school? that sounded right. one day, cartman had been missing, and craig was in his place instead, dragging stan away to “talk.” that had spiraled into something tense and stormy, which had started with craig’s fist in stan’s face and had ended with stan vomiting all over the other boy. kyle doubts that that was the full story, but both refuse to say anything more. it was sensitive topic, but everyone knew they hated each other, could barely tolerate being in the same class. 

so imagine everyone’s surprise when craig all but pounces on his ‘enemy’, kissing him so fiercely it reminds kyle of that fight, oh so long ago. and his heart thuds because, because, the only time stan randomly vomits is when...no, it couldn’t be. 

people are yelling at the two to get a room, so kyle looks up and stan’s pushed craig away now, eyes wide and dilated, but there’s a hickey on his throat and everyone is staring increduously. craig flips stan off, but his eyes hold an emotion other than anger. kyle watches him as the game continues, trying to put the pieces together. yet the only thing he notices is the way craig keeps subtly tracing his lips with this thumb, almost gently, and the way he glares at the mark on stan’s neck, almost possessively. 

and kyle did promise to get stan a prom date today, so he neglects fixing his own heart, waits two minutes before the countdown, and makes it happen.

[continue]? ...are you sure? ...welcome back.

...

[game start] character select? ...select scene? ...accepted.

kyle blinks and misses it. the condom hits him square in the nose, and stan cackles. 

“the fuck was that for?” blushing, he dips down to pick it up even though no else is around to notice, cartman is upstairs, and kenny is already off to pick up his date but he is carpooling with stan and who…? 

fuck, who was stan’s date again? why was everything so familiar, why couldn’t he remember? kyle takes a breath, focuses, and the memories flood in. well fuck, he was still trapped and since the timeline had began shifting randomly, it didn’t matter which scene he had come from, which person he’d just seen his best friend with.

okay. he’s in his suit, so prom night, the third event. wendy pops in his mind, automatically, but that had already happened. her happily ever echoes in kyle’s mind, even now, but that didn’t feel right this time and full ending replays were rare. and something was different, kyle could feel it ― because this wasn’t this first route, nor his second, nor his third, not anymore. it made him sick, but he was getting used to this world. 

it could be kenny, but kenny “is already off to pick up his date.” next most probable was craig, but on that route kyle is one who brings condoms to tease, not stan. 

no need to panic. there were other routes he’d seen, and suddenly kyle can remember them all.

bebe? no, the flowers weren’t right. no girl that he could recall wanted daffodils, so he could theoretically eliminate them all. a goth kid? no, stan didn’t have eyeliner on. tweak? no, craig would be here to hulk out or toast to polyamory, depending on the route. butters? no, stan’s wearing a traditional suit, not a dress. no football jersey in sight, so not token or clyde, either. all of them, including jimmy, would have been with kenny anyway. fuck, not ike again? waking up and having a hot older brother had been a trip, and had totally sucked balls, but stan wouldn’t have thrown the condom and laughed so freely. 

“no, but seriously, dude. take the condom, please.” stan laughs, but it’s a nervous laughter. realizing that he’d spaced out for a bit, he focuses back on his surroundings. he hadn’t heard this dialogue before, so could that mean….a new route?

but. kyle didn’t get the other two scenes. it’s not typical to have extreme skipping around like this, and he doesn’t know whether to hope or despair so instead he chokes out: “why?”

stan looks distressed, yet kyle doesn’t glitch out and start over so he repeats, “why should i take the condom, stan?”

“you should...you should take the condom, because you finally found someone you love, someone you care about,” stan says, offering a soft smile, an its an echo of the past that makes kyle’s heart ache. 

if...if, he’s on the route, the route kyle’s been secretly dreaming of this whole fucking time, the route that finally has stan look at the best friend right in front of him. if that happened, he’s reached the end, kyle knows it. he didn’t even get to savor the other two scenes, but. it’s okay. maybe in reality, in a non-virtual south park, they’ll have a better chance. so he leans in to seal the deal, make his great escape…when did he turn into someone who believed in true love’s kiss saving the day?

“whoa, dude! what the fuck?” stan hisses, horrified. “cartman’s upstairs!”

and then kyle wants to fucking scream. of course, fucking cartman had to come in and ruin his life, one more time. even in this world, he couldn’t escape him. he doesn’t know if that hurts more or less than the fact that stan marsh, his super best friend, ended up on cartman’s route before he ended up on kyle’s. did kyle even have a route? was he that deep in the friendzone? was he so much of a loser that this stan would never choose him, never mind the real stan, keeping him from his home forever? 

“goddammit cartman!” he buries his face in his hands. by not playing along, he’s glitching the game, he’s going to restart. at least … he wouldn’t have to see stan and cartman kiss, at this rate.

“kyle? you okay?” stan wipes the tears off his face. “please don’t cry. dude, i'm the crybaby, remember? i won’t tell him, i promise.”

“sorry, i’m stupid,” kyle blubbers, struggling to compose himself. finally, he's lost his mind in here. “shit, that was a mistake, i’m sorry. ” 

“no, now i know you’re in love. you run when you’re in love, right?” stan mutters, blushing. he scratches his chin, almost shyly. “you haven’t called him cartman in years, ha. i think i did it.”

[quit]? ...cancelled. [rewind]? ...accepted.

the day starts off normal enough, with the four of them meeting up at the bus stop. cartman cycles up with some pubic hair, of all things. after a basic biology lesson he runs off to confront some eighth grader, theatrically declaring something about revenge. 

kyle rolls his eyes as he leaves. “why do we let him hang out with us again?”

kenny mumbles something about friendship, stan nods. “maybe you should check on him, kyle?” 

his best friend blinks. “um, excuse me?”

“he, uh, might do something dangerous, ruin someone’s life,” it’s true, after all. stan shivers, this part is critical, as he has learned. it wouldn’t do to screw up so early. “and i wanna hang out with wendy one on one, today, so. dude.”

the last part is improvised, so he’s surprised he doesn’t glitch out. it feels like less of a victory when he sees kyle visibly frown, eyes filling up with dejection and torn away from his own.

no, it’s fine. the end justifies the means. this time, he’s going to find his best friend’s happily ever after. 

[skip]? ...accepted.

he’s mastered the teenage party scene, it’s his favorite, easily pushed ahead thanks to the easy access to alcohol. at first, he’d stumbled, falling back into the original script, but now he’s got it down to a science. examining his surroundings, his eyes fall upon the convenient breath mint peeking out of the jammed kitchen drawer. a wendy route trademark, which corresponded with what he had said earlier. good, in fact, better than expected; everything was going perfectly. but where…?

stan pours shots to pass the time, and finally, kyle busts into the oddly-empty kitchen, two minutes before the countdown. okay, that was still plenty of time.

“dude, i’m just so fucking nervous. she’s …” stan buries his head in his best friend’s shoulder.

“been your girlfriend since elementary school? and you’re going to miss the countdown if you keep pussying out.” kyle pulls his latest glass away with a disapproving look. stan notices, for the first time, that kyle chokes, spluttering bit as his face wrinkles in disgust. distracted by how adorable that was, he can’t remember what to say next. shit. wait, no, it’s breath mint time.

stan catches the breath mint easily, he’s always been a pretty decent catcher but it helps to anticipate that it’s coming. he pops it into his best friend's mouth instead, not wanting to waste time. “you’re going to miss the countdown, too. go score a prom date, i can take care of myself.”

when the ball drops, stan pinches his nose in frustration as he watches kyle french some random brunette, too slim to be the intended target. did he fail after all? but as kyle backs away and rams into someone decisively larger, threatening to punch him out, the relief kicks in. stan smiles into his drink, sips slowly. it tastes bittersweet, it usual. maybe in the next round it wouldn’t. 

though, seriously, the stick of truth universe was much harder to handle.

[skip]? ...accepted.

“huh? in love? with who? you’re supposed to be in love, dumbass, not me!” 

“wait ― what the fuck? did i jinx it? there’s no way i screwed it up this time.”

**Author's Note:**

> < / 3
> 
> thank you for reading


End file.
